Now, shame on me
What sucks is that I am still thought to be ignorant, cruel and even immature after everything that I have been through in my, now more than, 21 years of existence. I have lived not enough and lost quite a lot. I’ve won a few battles and came out with several bruises. Something that has never changed is my loyalty and passion for the people who are close to me. I hold pretty strong grudges, but I will more than likely be just a call away if something life threatening happens. To me, this was life threatening, and what sucks even more is I truly thought I could make it better.
Sticking my nose into a place it doesn’t belong. I am known pretty well for this. But, then again… it shows my loyalty. And, I can bet you almost anything I have helped my loved ones 90% of the time by getting involved in business that wasn’t my own. When you become my friend… when you are my family: it becomes my business. That’s just me caring for you, especially if you’re my very first love. That’s the way it is. I wish I could choose otherwise, but it wouldn’t be true. Plus, I’d feel like a failure.
I always knew when something was wrong. I always felt your need for support and comfort. Even in the times I refused to show it or couldn’t respond… I knew. However, there comes point when I realize I am overstepping or doing far too much. I put myself in the water, never giving myself a chance to dry off.
You disrespected me, knowing I was at almost your every beck and call. You had alternatives. You just wanted me to do it, you wanted it to be me. This was fine until you brought men home, told me your every move with them and then proceed to sleep in the very same bed as me. We were never official, but you don’t just stand in the damn rain and cry to me for no good reason. You don’t tell our friends doubtless things for no reason… and you sure the hell don’t look at me (among other things) for no fucking reason.
I was there to drive my tiny-ass, blue car in the middle of a snow storm to come save you from the life you had been living. From the yelling of your very own husband. It could have been more than just your phone breaking, sweetheart. But no, I wanted better for you. Even after seven quiet years away from you, I wanted better for you. I knew that if you would have allowed me, I could help. I could give you the smile, amity and affection you needed. Your actions weakened me from doing so. It was as if you declined as your mouth would speak otherwise. And mind you, that’s when you were sober.
I trusted you too much, there’s no “probably” to it. I wrote and deleted that word a few times… but it’s the truth. What is probable though… is how things could have turned out. It could’ve been so much better. The truth is, you had no cares to give. It was “I don’t give a shit” day, every single day after we moved in together with our best friend. It went as far as lying to my own mother about how I live to cover up your own damn mess. You don’t lie to my mom… and get away with it. Hearing your one-night stands doesn’t come close to how careless you were—with not only of my feelings but even your other close friends’ and family members’.
There is so much I could say out of pure hate. It would probably make you “wanna pop me in the face.” I truly am bigger than that. And, I also deserve better than that. Anyone who knows me would agree, and I say that with confidence. I really am glad you’re gone. Not only because the apartment feels and looks so much cleaner (but it is), but because I know the right things will happen to you now. I think you just might learn a thing or two—not about drugs but because of them. I may not be a parent… and my sister may not physically be here, but I truly believe my mother taught me about respect. In fact, I am pretty sure I have grown to be quite a great guy because of my mom. I wish, I really do, that I could say the same for you.
I can only pray for ya now, sweets. I finally realized that you’re not my responsibility. You call me ignorant. Well Dakota, the only thing I was ignorant about was trying to save you.