The Chip on My Shoulder
I never thought in a million years I’d be in this situation.
My grandma always told me “that’s life,” when things got rough. She was so right.
I can honestly say I haven’t been in love with anyone for the longest time. And that blows because love brings me the greatest happiness. I love my family and my friends so much, and they show it. I’m so thankful for it. But there is another glass that has to be filled, and right now… it’s empty.
I hate being secretive and living life like I have to watch my back. I put myself on a high enough pedestal… and it bothers me when others expect it to be even higher. I try hard when I’m at my best. When I’m feeling low though, I don’t live up to par. And right now I am drained, depressed and drowning in ambitionless determination. It sucks right now, and I wish… I wish I could fix it. But, it’s out of my hands.
I’m mad and only because I am sad. I’m not getting what I want.
Don’t let that kid you into thinking I’m a brat or a spoiled adolescent. I truly work pretty hard on a decent day. However, I think… I have earned my keep. I have earned a lot of trust with you. You know you can believe me… Even if I were to lie. If I were to lie, you’d know I did it for a very good reason.
Well, I’ve been lying.
It makes me such a damn hypocrite. And aside from lying… I hate hypocrisy. Which makes me even more of a hypocrite.
If I’ve lost you… good. You deserve to be lost. Now, you know how I feel (and not just because I am about to graduate in May). But… I deserve your attention.
You came to me. I followed through. I was there for you.
You and I, in the park. I understood you more than anything. I didn’t know I’d really want to be there for you. I haven’t felt this useful… this acknowledged or even… longed for, since God knows when. I had no idea. It was crazy talk. Like literally… Britney Spears’ “Crazy” played in my head almost immediately. Call that juvenile; but that’s fate, baby. F—king fate.
Be still, my heart—‘cause it’s freaking out.
It was, too. I could take smiling selfies for days. Instagram likes, like a million-billion. But I didn’t because I couldn’t.
It happened at first sight, hopeless romantic or not. You cannot deny it.
You listed excuses, but you know it’s right. It’ll never be denied because I know it will always be right. But, I’m mad. I’m mad because I’m sad.
I have no control. I have no time. I have no intimacy.
I have proof, but I don’t. You have words, but I need more.
This is love. I haven’t felt anything like this, since my sister passed away. Like, youdon’t know what’s been done here. I believe things happen for a reason… So, maybe we’re not happening for a reason. But what the hell is that reason?
I leave in May. I don’t have to. In fact, neither do you.
I don’t want to change you. I don’t want to have to tell you how to respond to me or what to say. I don’t want to tell you to stop tweeting photos of naked men all day or tell you to stop grabbing some guy’s ass. And I really don’t want to have to tell you bye. I won’t tell you bye. That’s not an option.
There’s no going back.
I can’t take this feeling away. Not going to lie: sometimes I wish it could. I don’t think you know how much it hurts to actually not have you here at the end of the day. You tell me you’re hurting. But I don’t know. I feel like a pawn. And I am no one’s pawn. I’m a prince… with charm, a big heart and (I’ll never forget) “the most beautiful face you’ve ever seen—like for real.”
“You deserve better”: a cop out for not being ready for something you got yourself into.
I think you’re scared and hurting. You’re going through a lot, and I spare you so much of what I’m thinking because I either don’t know how to say it or because I actually understand you have a massive amount of emotional things happening in your life.
So, maybe me writing this is a little selfish. I feel selfish.
I don’t say “I love you” often, unless you’re someone I consider family. But you know… you know that I haven’t felt love like this since my sunshine passed away. Nothing compares to this.
It’s sad rereading my sentences because I don’t know what’s going to happen. I just assume you’ll never take the chance. The crazy chance. But, it’s probably too soon anyway.
I don’t know what you want from me, other than a friend. However, I’m always going to know what we are.
Someday, I hope we can take a walk and get lost. I want you to take a chance on finding us.
I don’t want to die with regrets, and honestly… we never know when that day will come.
This is living.